by Daniel Bergreen
Have you felt the ache of being anywhere else? The monotony of walking on your own two feet every day. Giving the same smiles. Same awkward hand waves. Polite whispers of careful appreciation. Tip-toeing around fervor and laughter, side-stepping hate and sick mocking...
If this doesn’t resonate, please keep your seat. The train will arrive at your destination shortly.
For those who hear the alarm bells, know that they ring to protect you.
A group of sad memories cloud my mind, and I remember wishing for a train to appear. To whisk me away with a swipe of my ticket. That would be easier than brandishing the courage to confront my addict boyfriend.
There were winters when I had the hint of a thought “life doesn’t need to feel this way.” Before quickly stifling it in the summer, but always wishing there was a train stop I could slip in and just keep riding.
Maybe I would meet someone on that train, they could smile at me, and ask me how my day was. I would give them an awkward hello, and a clumsy wave of my fingers because that’s all I know. That train couldn’t stop where I was, but probably for the best…
It would just be the same play: The Devil I Know.
A shadow of a smile filled my life for a while until I just decided I wanted more. I yearned to feel the sun again, and really feel it! Give a warm hug to a friend, create art, host a dinner party. Go on dates. Find love.
It might not feel like much, but the small acts of wanting a better life build upon each other and take you away. There’s no overhead voice alerting you to the next stop, no one tells you that you have to build the damn train yourself, but instinct takes over. That power will take the walls you’ve built around yourself to construct the train stop that you need.
Only if you let it; only if you allow yourself compassion. Once you realize you did your best, the fog of doubt will break.
It’s hard to hear what you need when alarms are going off in your head:
“I want to get out,
I want to forget.”
But you can speak louder.
The train stops when you walk in front of it, saying:
“I want to feel the Sun again.”
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I convey my experiences through stories, finding strength and healing in words. Writing has been my tool to navigate life's hurdles and build myself up, and now I hope to empower others through my work.