by Rowan Moskowitz
When did it become so hard to love myself? To look at my reflection without cringing and pointing out every single flaw that “proved” something was wrong with me? I can’t look at myself and find a person worthy of love and support, having grown accustomed to viewing my existence through a bleaker lens. This internal sadness has resided within me for years, a build-up of traumatic experiences, self-pressure, and my fear of the unknown working in tandem with one another to consume any hope of happiness for me.
I started having little voices fill my ears 24/7, always lingering right behind me like a shadow while waiting for the right moment to consume me until I became a husk of my former self. I never expected to be at such a mental low in my life, nor have I ever wanted to be. I went from having a clear-cut plan for myself, knowing exactly what I wanted in life, to now feeling constantly unfulfilled by most things and questioning if I even deserve ANY good. My insecurities have grown, I crave more connections yet push those I love away because I feel unworthy, and I can’t even handle stress well enough to not send myself into a panic episode!
It's a constant war between the little girl who wants to be happy again, and the monsters who keep her locked up in a cell of depression and anxiety because they, and so many others from the past, made her feel it's where she belongs. I still manage to survive though, even if it's just making it through the day doing what I have to do. It's not really the best mentality as some may think, but for me? It's something that keeps me going when I may not want to. Perhaps one day, I’ll feel a little freer and be able to ignore those voices instead of letting them control my life. For now? I’m just going to keep surviving, for those I love, and myself. I’ve still got a lot left to write after all.
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Rowan Moskowitz is a young woman who lives in New York, pursuing her dream of becoming a writer after experiencing a massive career change through deep self-reflection. She adores tattoos, often listens to musicals in her free time as she writes, and loves to make new memories with her closest friends. Despite her battle with depression and anxiety, Rowan is still fighting everyday in hopes of showing the world that your internal battles don't define you, proving that you are not alone and stronger than you may think.