by Michaela Calloway
Has anyone ever loved me?
Or just my body?
Or just my energetic lust for life?
Does anyone want to know me?
Or do they only want to know the good parts?
I have built a persona to show the world
It isn’t false, just incomplete
It is a piece of me
but not the whole
I do not feel obligated to share all of me to the whole world
I am not particularly humble
I don’t think it is in a woman’s best interest to be too humble
I know that I am beautiful,
sexy,
brave,
And popular
I know that many women envy my assertiveness
I know that many women are in awe of my audacity
That I do what I please,
say what I think,
don’t let people push me around,
and jump into each new adventure
without looking to see where I’ll land
I know men admire my body
I know they are entertained by my quick wit
and badass attitude
I know that most see me
and wish that I was something
they could possess and cage
Most men are unworthy of my presence
let alone my attention
So, I don’t give it unless earned
I am proud of myself
I am proud that I have made myself a life
worth living
I am proud of myself for making
my own definition of what a woman should be
I am proud of myself for no longer
trying to be the woman I was told
I had to be
I have done so much for myself
I have created a life that is fulfilling,
exciting,
and meaningful
I have purpose and joy
I am happy much of the time
But something is missing,
something outside of my control.
Yes, the woman I have become is fully me
I feel and know her in my soul and every part of my body
but she is not all of me
Alongside her exists the broken little girl I was before
That little girl is sad, angry and loud
She has every right to be
She was treated like she was nothing
and forced to be something she wasn’t
I am sorrowful that she didn’t have the tools to be herself
but I am eternally proud of her for
despite everything
knowing in her soul that something was wrong
that she deserved better
that she was something more
Granted, her existence often causes me pain and inconvenience
Yet I have grown to love and respect her
She has always done her best
She kept my head above water until I was strong enough
to be the woman I am now
It would appear that I am the only one
who can also love the broken little girl inside me
Everyone loves the strong woman I am
but once I slip up
Trust someone enough to be vulnerable
and let her out of her cage
putting my brokenness on display
People turn away
Disappointed
Does the sad little girl truly negate the strong woman beside her?
I feel as though I have spent my entire life
screaming into the void
That I am not an object for consumption
Yet over and over again I am used and discarded
Alone
I used to have lofty ideas of love
I thought love was a state of being
a state of knowing all the good and bad
messy and beautiful parts of a person
and still standing back in
awe and admiration
Now I wonder if
love is just a lie
you tell people to keep them in your bed
Despite all of this I continue on, and pursue every good thing available to me in this life
I continue to jump not knowing where I’ll land
I continue to love every part of myself
I continue to love others fully
Not knowing if anyone will return the favor
I indulge the hope that exists in the girl and the woman
that someone will be able to see the messy, broken, and amazing
pieces of me
and stay
Over and over again
I jump
***
Michaela Calloway is a Colorado based author who crafts stories and poems that explore what it means to be human. Her work often explores her own experiences as a lesbian woman, as well as the process of breaking free from societal expectation and being one's truest self. When she isn't writing, she can often be found reading, drawing, or playing roller derby. redrosethorns is her first professional publication.
Comments