by Sara Sheldrake
It’s only been a week since you came home from hospital. I knew you shouldn’t have a baby. That poor thing, having you as its mother. You have to understand that things are different now. You can’t just do whatever you want, whenever you want. You most definitely can’t just up and leave the house. Something could happen. She’ll catch something. Just stay home. Keep everything as is, and you’ll be fine. It’s not worth the risk.
It’s been a month. Not a week. And I’ll have to go out sometime. But maybe you’re right. It’s probably the sleep deprivation talking. I’m being silly. Thanks for saving me again.
But I can’t help but wonder…
Wonder? Wonder what it feels like to lose everything? Wonder what it's like to prove me right? I knew you were dumb, but I didn’t realise you were brain-dead. Bloody hell.
Okay. Fine. I won’t. You’re probably right. It’s probably not worth it anyhow.
Good choice.
But. It might be okay to go out, just for a few minutes.
But you can’t. And it won’t be.
Yeah. Okay. You’re right. I’ll try to stop thinking about it.
Silly idea.
Of course, I’m right. I’m always right.
Always?
Yes. A l w a y s.
Oh. Always.
.
Come on. It’s great just staying put. Home. Alone.
Well, nearly alone. It’d be better if she wasn’t crying.
Pity you didn’t listen to me about keeping her in the first place!
She’s allowed to cry. Of course, I kept her. I wanted her.
You know, I really think I ought to–
Ought to what? She’ll learn not to cry soon enough, just like you did.
Wait. What do you mean just like how I did?
I mean, you’ll spoil her. It’s best to ignore her when she gets like that. Just like your Mum did.
What? No.
But you’ll turn her into a whinging snowflake that no one will want to be around. It's for her own good. It worked for you. Think about it, you never cry.
No.
Don’t be silly. Just pop her in her bedroom. That crying is so irritating –
No. You’re being silly.
EXCUSE ME?
I said, No. You’re the silly one.
Silly?! I’m the one whose kept you ALIVE. You’re losing it. I knew a baby would be too much for you.
No. I’m not losing it. There’s nothing to lose. This is no life. I never do anything. Or see anyone. Or go anywhere.
And that is why you’re safe. Duh.
No. Go away.
You’re being an idiot. You’ll make a complete FOOL of yourself. You’ll lose everything!
Jesus. I’ve just realised how much you sound like my mother. Why don’t you just bugger off?
Bugger off? But you’ll die without me!
Probably not.
Bet your life on it. Hell, I bet her life on it. That’ll stop her squawking.
Fuck. Off. You’re so boring.
Fine. But you’ll F
a
i
l
l
l
.
.
.
No, I won’t. See. I just did it! Who’s the idiot now? I’m out the door. Ha!
Get. Back. Inside. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.
Nope. I’m going down the driveway. Ha! And now, I’ll go down the street.
You’ll both get run over.
I know you hate this. And that’s okay. But you’re wrong. And very boring.
You’ll pay for this!
I don’t think so. I can handle this. Even if you can’t.
But why are you doing this? Why now? Just stop. Please!
I have to. For me. And for her.
Why would you do anything for her? She’s just started screaming her head off again. And she doesn’t even want you to leave the house!
Yes. Her. She isn’t crying because we left the house. She’s probably hungry.
Probably? See! You don’t know that’s why she’s crying. They shouldn’t have let you take her home. You haven’t got a clue. Get back inside.
Listen to me. I have to.
But why?!
Because we need to find out which one of us is going to raise her.
***
Sara grew up in Florida, spent her summers with her grandparent’s Penguin paperbacks in Spain, and now lives in England. She earned a Creative Writing Master's from the University of Lancaster and the Chancellor’s Medal and Best Portfolio Prize. // Her stories and poems have been published in anthologies by Praspar Press and the Writer’s Workout, the National Flash Flood, Underbelly Press, and The Amphibian. and is currently long-listed for Things Left Unsaid with Motherhood Uncensored and Leicester Writes Short Story Prize 2024.
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