by Emily Karu
“You know… it would be so easy to crash this car.”
I didn’t look, but I heard her phone thump on the floor when it slipped from Harper’s hands and the suddenness of my statement. I wasn’t exactly sure why I had said what I said but we were four hours into the road trip and the silence was as deafening as the view out the window.
“Just think about it.” I broke the silence with another sharp idea. “One yank to the right and we could go head first into that pole. One to the left and we could have crashed into that car.”
My eyes followed the passing SUV for a beat before focusing on the endless road ahead of us again.
“They put a lot of trust in drivers,” I added with a casual shrug.
“That’s why we have to take a driver’s test before we can go on our own,” Harper spoke for the first time after another moment of eerie silence. They spoke slowly and carefully as if trying to keep a scared animal calm.
I managed a quick glance at Harper, who was staring back at me with… I wasn’t sure what the emotion on their face was exactly. I looked out into the abyss again. “That only tells the government that we know the rules, not that we’ll follow them.”
The solid double yellow line that separated the opposing traffic acted as a warning only. What would really stop me from crossing it? There was no physical barrier here, just a suggestion.
“Why -” Harper cleared their throat. “Why do you say that?”
Why did I say it? Maybe because it wasn’t the first time it had crossed my mind. Nor was it the first time I considered the act. What would it feel like to be in an accident? I’d imagine my heart would be pounding in my chest as hard as the bass in the song playing through the speakers. I’d be disoriented with my head spinning like a top, trying to reconnect the pieces of what I’d done. My body would ache from the shock of the impact.
And then the pain.
The pain from any injuries would flood my body as the adrenaline faded away. The pain would be overwhelming. The pain would be something though. I would feel something and that would be a light out of the storm I’ve been engulfed in. I’d welcome anything that would pull me out of this cloud I was slowly suffocating in.
“Why don’t we pull over for a second?” Harper suggested, “There’s a gas station up here and it’s probably my turn to drive.”
Fear. That’s what was painted across Harper’s face when I looked towards the passenger seat again. I gripped the steering wheel, my knuckles turning white as I held my breath. Why did I say any of that? Why did I have to scare Harper?
“Let’s just take a break for a second.” Harper’s voice shook this time.
I released the air from my lungs and finally nodded. Harper probably hadn’t meant for it to be so loud, but I could hear them sigh in relief when I agreed to stop.
Once in the parking lot I threw the car into park and sat back. Neither of us moved and the only sound was the soft purr of the engine, and the only movement became the slight vibrations that reminded me of life. Of being alive. I’m still alive.
“I… I know things haven’t been easy -”
I cut Harper off and shook my head quickly. “It was a stupid comment. Don’t worry about it. I’m sorry I ruined the trip.”
I was great at that, ruining things. Happy moments, sunny days, fun trips. Why had Harper even agreed to this trip? They had to have known I’d pull something like this.
“You didn’t ruin anything.” An empty pause filled the air. “I just - I want to make sure you’re okay.” Harper put their hand on top of mine. I stared at it blankly and chewed the inside of my lower lip.
“Just look at me for a second,” Harper added.
I tasted copper on my tongue but slowly raised my head. I bit down harder when I saw the tears in Harper’s eyes.
“Don’t forget that I am here for you. I’ve got your back, no matter what. You can call me at any hour, any time of the day, and I will answer. I don’t care how far you are, I will come to you.”
“I don’t deserve that.” I tried to pull away and get out of the car, but Harper resisted the movement and kept me in place.
“Yes, you do, because you would do the same for me if the roles were reversed.” Harper reluctantly let go, forcing a smile onto their face. “Now, we’re going to get some snacks, then I’m going to take a turn and you’re going to take a nap.”
“But -”
“No buts. You know damn well I could take over the world on a single Red Bull. I’ll survive for an hour or two while you rest.”
I fidgeted with the cuffs of my long-sleeved shirt; it was way too hot outside for it, but I didn’t want to worry Harper anymore. And they were right, they could do anything with a little bit of caffeine. Harper was the strongest person I knew, and I’d never tell them this, but they’re one of the reasons I push on every day. Harper is one of the reasons I wouldn’t crash this car. And I held on to those reminders like I held on to their hand for dear life.
***
Emily Karu is a High School Special Education & English teacher. Besides writing and teaching, Emily has also been involved in the marching arts, as a performer and teacher, since 2009. Emily currently resides in New Jersey with her dog, Sawyer, and can be found on Instagram @e.l._karu and Twitter @Emily_K_2017.
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